Remember that time I ate half a box of chocolates, felt sick, and then proceeded to eat the other half?!?!?!
Well clearly from the above line, it is quite obvious I didn't have the best of weekends. I don't even really like chocolate that much, but at the time I felt it would make me feel better. Or at least make me feel that it's okay to eat chocolate and sit and cry. I have also been listening to sappy songs lately. I love a good sappy song! There is nothing like it. They make me cry, they make me laugh, and they make me smile. I feel like I could just belt out sappy songs at the top of my lungs all day long, but somehow I don't think my co-workers would like that. Something to ponder though.
Recently, I have been given the opportunity to really evaluate my life. To really think what I want, what I need, and what I desire most in life. This is something that has come with great pain and it is something that I didn't necessarily want to address, but it is something that is allowing me to really evaluate. And today I don't have all the answers, or really any of them. But it has gotten me thinking of why I began this weight loss journey. And I think the sad reality of this journey began with wanting to look a certain way. I will never be a size 1, and that is not what I aspire to be. But I did want to be a "average" size. And average to me is a size 6. I wanted to get married, and on my wedding day, I wanted to feel beautiful, and I wanted to go into a wedding dress store, knowing, I could fit into those dresses. I wanted to feel loved, desired.
And as I am evaluating, my reasons are beginning to change. It is beginning to no longer be about the number on the scale, or about the size of clothes I wear. I want to continue to strive to lose weight for health reasons. I want to be able to walk long distances without being tired and out of breath. I have spent the last 25 years being overweight, and I don't want to spend the next 25 that way.
As I go on in this journey of weight-loss, of discovering myself, and figuring out what I want, I want to be able to look back and say I had the right intentions. I made the most of what I had. And I know I will have days when I eat an entire box of chocolates, and I need to not let that guilt hurt me. I need to recognize my pain, my emotions, my hurt, and I need to be able to release those feelings in a constructive way. I don't know what I want in this life. I don't know where this life will lead me. But I want to be happy. I want to be happy within myself, with or without someone there to guide me. And as I reflect, I can see the changes in me. I can see the physical changes, and I can see the inner changes. I see my strength, something I hadn't seen in a long time. This journey isn't just about the weight coming off, it's about discovering me. The woman I want to be. Bold, strong, patient, nurturing, transparent. The woman I strive to be.
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